This post is going to be a long one, so get comfortable. And understand that my mind is whirling right now, so I apologize if this makes little sense or jumps from place to place.
Define "Addiction": A persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.
My alarm rang like a starving crow squawking in my ear at 6 am this morning. I moaned and rolled over, cracking my eyes open to turn that annoying bird off as quickly as I could. My first thought: ooo..I'm going to Starbucks before work. That sounds so good!. My second: No, Krispy Kreme would be awesome, but they don't have a Starbucks near by, and I'd rather have a grande, single shot, white chocolate Carmel mocha, iced, with the Carmel syrup not the sauce, and whip. Yummmm.
That right there, is the problem. I am utterly addicted to food & beverages. It's the first thing I think about when I wake, and the last I think about before falling asleep. The fact that I even know where a doughnut Shoppe is located disturbs me. I can honestly say though, that I have not be a patron there...I just stare at it like a shark as I drive by. I have, however, had more than my fair share of 500+ calorie goodness at Starbucks, enjoying it to the last drop.
My vacation in April threw my on an out of control spiral, and I realize that. If I go out to eat once, I just want to do it again and again and again. We ate out everyday while on vacation and that got me deep into the habit again, whereas I had not eaten out in like, 45 days prior to that! And that is when I was getting the results I wanted. For the last 3 months following the vacation, I have been on an eating binge. Up until last Sunday, I had only gained 4lbs back in my 3 month splendor and I actually accepted this as a good thing. I can justify anything, I swear. However, lately, a few co-workers have been really into The Pioneer Woman and her cooking. So, Over the last week, I have made several recipes from her website and they got rave reviews from my family as well as myself. Bad Idea. Fat girls who want to be thin and The Pioneer Woman can NOT be friends. There is just far too much butter and bacon involved.
I hit my breaking point in the dressing room at Macy's over the weekend. I tried on several pieces of cute clothing, that I really would have liked to buy. One blouse in particular, that I fell in love with. Everything about it was totally me. However, when I put it on, It was short-wasted and sat just above the WORST PART OF MY STOMACH!! Of-fucking course. So, as I sat there staring at myself in the 3-way mirror, wearing a pair of Levis with this great sea greenish-bluish top that accentuates my upper half wonderfully, I turned to the side. And cried a little, cause from that vantage point, I looked disgusting. I sucked in my gut, and manually manipulated my body to somewhat resemble what I one day hope to be. I loved the false body shape that I created. It looked good, and the shirt looked terrific! But, I very well can not walk around manually supporting my stomach, now can I? Reluctantly I let go. And there she was again. That sick, food obsessed, blob. Then came the self-loathing conversation that went like this: I hate you for being so damn weak. I wish the world couldn't see my addiction just by looking at me. I wish I could wear my addiction in different proportions, at least. have a big butt, instead of a big stomach. At least I'd look better this big. how can he love you like this? How can he want you like this? He doesn’t. You stupid ass, dumb girl. pull your head out! It's not pretty, I know. But it's reality.
Last night, I watched Celebrity Rehab. It was very interesting because I found it to be so applicable to me and my addiction. I had made the same types of excuses, felt the same inner rage over loss of control, the depression, the sense of worthlessness and failure. I fit right in with them. I need Rehab.
I had a long conversation with God last night, and again this morning. Then, I had a needed conversation with my husband, because I can not recover alone; I need them both. God and Rick.
Define "Recovery": Return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
I have to recover and heal from this. I just have to.
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