Recovering Me

What the HELL just happened? I opened my eyes this morning, and 3 months have passed. Where was I? And more importantly, what did I do to myself? Oh...It happened again. My addiction got the better of me.
This post is going to be a long one, so get comfortable. And understand that my mind is whirling right now, so I apologize if this makes little sense or jumps from place to place.

Define "Addiction": A persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.

My alarm rang like a starving crow squawking in my ear at 6 am this morning. I moaned and rolled over, cracking my eyes open to turn that annoying bird off as quickly as I could. My first thought: ooo..I'm going to Starbucks before work. That sounds so good!.  My second: No, Krispy Kreme would be awesome, but they don't have a Starbucks near by, and I'd rather have a grande, single shot, white chocolate Carmel mocha, iced, with the Carmel syrup not the sauce, and whip. Yummmm.
That right there, is the problem. I am utterly addicted to food & beverages. It's the first thing I think about when I wake, and the last I think about before falling asleep. The fact that I even know where a doughnut Shoppe is located disturbs me. I can honestly say though, that I have not be a patron there...I just stare at it like a shark as I drive by. I have, however, had more than my fair share of 500+ calorie goodness at Starbucks, enjoying it to the last drop.
My vacation in April threw my on an out of control spiral, and I realize that. If I go out to eat once, I just want to do it again and again and again. We ate out everyday while on vacation and that got me deep into the habit again, whereas I had not eaten out in like, 45 days prior to that! And that is when I was getting the results I wanted. For the last 3 months following the vacation, I have been on an eating binge. Up until last Sunday, I had only gained 4lbs back in my 3 month splendor and I actually accepted this as a good thing.  I can justify anything, I swear. However, lately, a few co-workers have been really into The Pioneer Woman and her cooking. So, Over the last week, I have made several recipes from her website and they got rave reviews from my family as well as myself.  Bad Idea. Fat girls who want to be thin and The Pioneer Woman can NOT be friends. There is just far too much butter and bacon involved.
I hit my breaking point in the dressing room at Macy's over the weekend. I tried on several pieces of cute clothing, that I really would have liked to buy. One blouse in particular, that I fell in love with. Everything about it was totally me. However, when I put it on, It was short-wasted and sat just above the WORST PART OF MY STOMACH!! Of-fucking course. So, as I sat there staring at myself in the 3-way mirror, wearing a pair of Levis with this great sea  greenish-bluish top that accentuates my upper half wonderfully, I turned to the side. And cried a little, cause from that vantage point, I looked disgusting. I sucked in my gut, and manually manipulated my body to somewhat resemble what I one day hope to be. I loved the false body shape that I created. It looked good, and the shirt looked terrific! But, I very well can not walk around manually supporting my stomach,  now can I? Reluctantly I let go. And there she was again. That sick, food obsessed, blob. Then came the self-loathing conversation that went like this:  I hate you  for being so damn weak. I wish the world couldn't see my addiction just by looking at me. I wish I could wear my addiction in different proportions, at least. have a big butt, instead of a big stomach. At least I'd look better this big. how can he love you like this? How can he want you like this? He doesn’t. You stupid ass, dumb girl. pull your head out! It's not pretty, I know. But it's reality.

Last night, I watched Celebrity Rehab. It was very interesting because I found it to be so applicable to me and my addiction. I had made the same types of excuses, felt the same inner rage over loss of control, the depression, the sense of worthlessness and failure. I fit right in with them. I need Rehab.
I had a long conversation with God last night, and again this morning. Then, I had a needed conversation with my husband, because I can not recover alone; I need them both. God and Rick.

Define "Recovery": Return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.

I have to recover and heal from this. I just have to.

Fight-fight-fight!

I can’t even begin to count the number of times in a day that I used to feel sadness & disgust with myself. Any little thing would trigger it; getting up off the couch, buckling a shoe, driving in the car, heck, just standing in my closet every morning deciding what to wear. How many reminders of misery & self loathing must one go through when just average, typical everyday activities smack you square in the face and shout “Hey fatty! Lose some weight, would ya?” It’s like you are at war with yourself, and both teams are losing the battle.

You know, over the last 38 days, I honestly cannot count 1 time where I felt disgusted with myself, which is freaking AMAZING! For the first time in 16 years, I feel a sense of self satisfaction. Some might say, “It’s only 17 pounds, it’s not like you’ve lost 50!” The transformation of my mind has been far more incredible than that of my physical body, and in my opinion, that is where I needed to see the change most. I feel completely at ease with myself & my appearance; I am relaxed.

Make no mistake, I know that I still have a very long road ahead of me, and there will be challenges along the way (ahem…Easter candy), but I am confident that I can face each challenge, head on and go into battle with a smile, knowing I will win this one. I will have victory over these demons that haunt me! Hey, even if my demons come with candy flowered bunny ears or are speckled pastel colored eggs- they are demons nonetheless! I will just whip out my dark chocolate IsaDelight packed full of amino acids for mood elevation and tell that bunny right where he can hop off to!

I have lost 17 pounds and 26 inches in just 38 days, and I am thoroughly pleased about my accomplishments! I cannot wait for the day when I can write that I have reached my goal weight; a healthy weight.  Power to the people! (Had to say it!)

I have changed so much in 30 days...

30 days have passed since I began the journey to "the new me". I will admit, it's surely had it's ups and downs & I'm proud to say...it's mostly DOWNS! Down in weight, down in inches, down in dress size, decreased depression & decreased blood pressure! I say that is a win-win-win situation! I have released 15 pounds and 21.75 inches in just 30 days, & I feel amazing!
Now for the ups.... increased energy, increased concentration & focus, increased cardiovascular fitness and best of all...increased self-esteem! Do I feel great...hell yes I do!
Since becoming an avid Isagenix user, supporter, believer & success, I have had many other changes occur over this last month that I was not anticipating what-so-ever. I was just telling a friend, that essentially, I grew up on Pepsi, Doritos and sweets of all kinds, so it is safe to say that I have a deeply embedded sweet tooth. However, I can now honestly say that I have ZERO cravings (with the exception of my Isalean shakes- I love them!) Don't crave sweets, Pepsi, or crappy & nutritionally bankrupt foods. FOR REAL! I'll bet they would still taste good, but I really no longer have any desire or "need" to have them...it's just gone! Now, when I do eat, everything tastes PHENOMENAL! A friend told me I looked like I was "making love" to a hard boiled egg one day...we laughed at that so hard! But, it tasted soooo delish; a real treat!
I am not depriving myself of anything, I just have a bite or two when items are made that do not fit into my new healthier lifestyle. For example, we had a potluck today at work, and one our fantastic pharmacists/baker made this crazy good flourless chocolate souffle. I cut enough for two small bites, added some fresh strawberry slices to the top and enjoyed eating it. Nothing tastes as wonderful as the first bite anyway, so I had a first & a last bite...it was perfect because I was totally satisfied & since I don't have a need or craving for those types of items any longer, it's not a problem to take a bite, or pass it by. 
I laugh as I sit here writing these things, because I say them with conviction, and I realize that never in my life would I have ever believed I would one day feel as great as this. Sometimes, I wish I would have found Isagenix sooner in life. But then, I was never in the right frame of mind that would have allowed me to accept the things I can not change, and take control over the factors that I can...and now have changed. And now, I am so stoked to be able to help others obtain a healthy cleansing & replenishing lifestyle Fat & unfit America does not need to remain that way- we can change it, one person at a time!
So, eagerly I continue on with my transformation process of mind, body, & soul....and a 6 am workout staring me in the face so I bid you Adieu!

For information on optimal nutrition & a cleansing and replenishing lifestyle, visit my website at http://jamierayewelch.isagenix.com

Pants

I can remember a time in November (not trying to rhyme-I swear) when I was sitting at my desk at work, uncomfortable because the band of my favorite black pants was tight while sitting. When I stood up, they had a feeling of minor tension, but nothing that I had to suck in the gut to button or zip up. After that, I began to avoid wearing those pants, because I didn’t like its restrictive efforts and was displeased with them overall. Last week, I decided that since I’d lost double digit numbers in inches, I would pull them off the hanger and slip them on. Little did I know that they would try to slip right back off! I pulled them up and effortlessly zipped and fastened the button. Immediately, they fell about 1.5 inches down! I stood there in my closet lifting them up and watching as they slid right back down, and I promise the grin on my face was literally ear-to-ear. I wore those suckers to work anyway, and strutted in the office and gleefully announced the revelation to my cohorts. I was on cloud 9 all that day.

I had been keeping this comfy pair of kaki Capri’s in the back of my closet neglecting them for the last 4 to 5 years. Occasionally I would try them on, only to find that they were much too tight, and couldn’t get them buttoned up. For what ever reason or another, I had kept them (perhaps to torment me on days I would rifle through looking for something to wear and realize I could no longer fit into half of what I owned-sick, yes, completely).  Friday, I decided to grab them and see what happened. I pulled on each leg and slipped them up past my ass-back, grasped the waistband, and with the blink of an eye, they were buttoned and buckled! I was TRIPPED out! Then…the true test…I stuck my whole arm right down my pants (hey-don’t judge) and without missing a beat, I ran into the bathroom, one arm in pants, and shouted, “Lilly-look what I can do!” She was so excited! She gave me a high five and we laughed a little.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have lost another 5 lbs, and 5 inches. While these are not numbers I consider to be fabulous for myself, I am taking into consideration the other changes that are coming to me in forms other than the scale and a tape measure.

Lady of the Rings

When I left the comfort & warmth of my bed this morning, I did not expect to have such a remarkable day! Rick & I chatted as I “put my face on” & attempted to control the mop of limp, lazy & lean hair on my head in preparation for our weekly trip to the grocery store. We cheerfully discussed the noticeable changes that had occurred with my body & the positive benefits on my mental state and overall well-being that were taking place. As he left the room & headed for the garage, I started the search for the day’s jewelry. I opened the door to my jewel locker to select a ring, and happened to pick up two bands that I had not worn in 5 years, & thought I’d give it a shot. I held my hand out & was surprised to find that both rings slipped past the knuckle on my right ring finger with ease, nestling comfortably into proper position; I swear they looked right up at me & said “It’s about damn time!” I tilted my head to one side & let a slight giggle escape between my lips as I quickly slipped them on & off, over & over again. Then, I grabbed my wedding ring, placed it right where it belonged, and much to my surprise, the diamond slipped slowly towards my pinky finger & tried to hide beneath it. I thought, “Now, where do you think you’re going, eh? Get back up here!” I readjusted both items and pranced downstairs, into the garage and plopped down in the passenger seat. Rick followed and was promptly seated behind the steering wheel.  I held up my left hand and said “take my ring off.” Rick looked at me, puzzled. He grasped the golden token of his eternal love and slid it off without a trace of resistance to stop him. He let it fall back into place, “Now look at this”, I stated, holding up my right hand, exposing the two bands he had forgotten I’d had. I then demonstrated that I could remove those just as easily & told him it had been 5 years since I wore them last. We sat there, in the garage, in the car, looking at one another. A large smile washed over both our faces, and he put his fist up…and gave me the “knucks.” I am once again, “Lady of the Rings!”  

Just let all the air out

I sit here tonight in utter disbelief as to what has happened. Measurements took place again last night and really can not believe the results. In a 6 day time period, I released an additional 4 lbs, and 13.25 inches! WOW! I really am noticing a difference in my upper arms, face, and my diaphragm/waist area and I am beginning to feel more comfortable in my daily movements. Things like getting up off the couch, putting on socks and shaving my legs have become noticeably easier, when honestly, I didn’t know I was having some issues with those tasks, so that was a wonderful and semi-scary revelation.

I can really see the change in the way my stomach looks. The firm round apple-ish quality I so loathe now has some indentations, creases and lacks the “fullness” effect to it. In fact, Rick, with his hand lovingly caressing my tummy, stated that I was “deflating”. I laughed because with my God-forsaken stretch marks running top to bottom, it does mildly resemble an over-stretched balloon- you know, the one that was from the birthday party 4 days ago that the kids just had to bring home, only to leave abandoned in the corner of their bedroom with a few Webkins, a naked BRATZ doll whose hair is gnarly and she’s missing an arm, a ponytail holder, and that flip-flop whose mate is still MIA. Spot on, Welch! I took no offense because he meant no harm. A boy’s version of a compliment, I suppose. LOL!

Want More Energy?

You can bet I do! I think back on the last 16 years and how sluggish and lazy I was. The tiredness, laziness and depression grew right along with me as the years passed and I continued to spiral out of control. I can honestly say that these past two weeks on my Isa-program coupled with exercise have impacted more than just my weight and size. I have more energy than I have had since I was 17! That is priceless to me.  

I pop up out of bed in the morning, ready for my workouts. Even though my pillow looks so comfortable and my blankets (and dog) try to tempt me to stay with them a little longer, I resist! That in itself is a huge victory! On a typical weekend in the past, I would spend most of my time trying to do things that required no energy, because I had none to expend. Now, I’m zipping all over the place, being and staying active all day long. It took me until this morning to realize that was happening! Since I have been giving my body premium nutrients, flushing out toxins, drinking water, and exercising, I feel like a million bucks…and have the energy I need to go spend it!!

http://jamierayewelch.isagenix.com

 

My first official “cleanse” day is complete! And guess what? I didn’t die from hunger!

The morning began relatively well. I had my Cleanse drink & packed a few IsaSnacks & 3 celery stalks to take to work with me. When I got to work (which has been a carnival of stress lately,) I found that someone had made a delicious chocolate cake for us all to enjoy as a “reward” for all the hard work we have put in lately. Cake as a reward? Ha! That is EXACTLY the type of thinking that got me into this whole hefty-mess I’m stuck in now. No thank you! May I just say that when one of my co-workers felt the need to point out that the cake was there, even saying, “well, not to tempt you or anything, but…” I lifted my chin and boldly proclaimed “That cake doesn’t look half as good to me as my scale did this morning, so I’ll pass thanks.” And I trotted off down the isle, past the cake & didn’t even glance at it. “Did I just say that, really?” I asked myself.  And, even stranger than the fact those words tumbled out of my mouth, & so quickly, was that I really meant it too! “Right on girl”, I said to myself, feeling more proud than I have in ages. A little secret was that earlier that morning, just 2 days following my post about my 5lbs loss, was that my scale counted me as a full pound lighter! I literally had to look at the needle again because I have not seen it that far away from the 200 mark in years. The 6 points felt like 60 to me…and I was high from it all day. I munched on my IsaSnacks, drank my 4 cleanse drinks, and ate a bit of celery (which ended up tasting like a packet of salt by the afternoon, so I just threw it out) & chugged my 96oz of H20.

So, how did I feel from the cleanse itself? I must preface this answer by stating that I was warned I might not feel well as my body began to release toxins, so I expected to be down & out. In addition, I take a medication for hypertension & 2 of the ingredients in the cleanse drink are known to have a “moderate” interaction with my specific medication. So…to answer. I felt okay. A bit lightheaded & dizzy a few times, but eating an IsaSnack helped make me feel better & took the edge off. The water helped a ton too. The best part  was knowing that someday soon, I’m going to take those BP meds & throw them out the window because I will no longer need them.  I mean it. I will normalize my blood pressure by taking unhealthy weight off, & providing my body with the best nutrition out there. I have 100% faith in that.

I visited the scale again this morning, to see what the result of my cleansing was. The difference from yesterday morning to this morning was 2 lbs! Holy Moley! I got off the scale, picked it up & wiped it off gently, polishing its lovely little window while rays of sunshine were streaming in on my smiling face. It was a magical moment!

Whoa!

Alright, so tonight, Rick offered to take my measurements and compare them to the first set we took , and I was pretty nervous, so I was  him-hawing around the topic. I was afraid to find out what the results were because I was not really expecting to see much, and was thinking that I would be disappointed. But, I gave in and stripped to my chones  (what I call panties). Anyhow, Rick started the process: first the neck, then arms, then shook his head looking at me with a puzzled expression and re-measured.  He jotted down his findings and moved on to my chest and chest again, diaphragm and diaphragm again, repeating  the measurements of each body part twice, each time with the thought that he measured incorrectly.  Once he was finished, he gave me a high-five and tallied the result. The conclusion? I had lost 8.5 inches total!! With this mornings’ scale reading 5 pounds less than it had, coupled with the inches I have lost, I’ve got to say that I am feeling SUPER right now! 

I can’t wait to see what the results are in 2 months, or 4 months from now! I think I am setting myself up for IsaSuccess!! I’m planning to celebrate my 35^th in September with 70 pounds less of me!! It’s a lot, I know, but it is possible, and I CAN make it happen. No-no…I AM making it happen.

Feeling great!!

I have to take a minute to brag. I spent all weekend working out or staying active in some way…and had a great time doing it! Saturday morning I woke up and popped in my Turbo Jam DVD, hit it hard for 30 minutes, then decided that I wanted to take the dogs out for a stroll. My “stroll” turned into a fast paced nearly 4 mile walk! The dogs were pooped once we returned home an hour later! It was great. Then, on Sunday, I got up and did a 20 minute abs DVD (that is a killer) and then another 30 minutes with Turbo Jam. Later that evening, Rick & I decided to take the dogs outside; another 45 minutes in exercise added to my day!

It is so strange because I find that I am really feeling great. I am sleeping better, waking up with more energy & feel like I am more alert. What great benefits! In addition to that…my blood pressure was NORMAL for the first time in months, even since on new BP meds. I really believe I will get myself off of the meds all together! And soon, too.  

I am also continuing on with Isagenix nutrition & cleansing system. I had my doubts, but it is more evident now than ever that I need to be feeding my body proper nutrients and cleanse myself of toxins that have built up over time. Can’t help but think that maybe Isagenix will keep me Cancer free, by cleansing. Wouldn’t that be an awesome thing?

You know, I have always wanted to be involved in helping others achieve health and wellness because I know how it feels not to have it. With Isagenix, I can do that!

Getting my drink on!

Water has never been a friend of mine, since it contains no sugar, of course! Now however, I am welcoming it with open arms into my daily routine, and have been trying to consume ½ my body weight (in ounces) of water every day. It is helping to keep me full, and my bladder occupied. I have never had so much agua in my life! Lemon slices have been a fantastic addition & I have tried some of the Crystal light product, which is good, but I prefer the lemon slices. Sometimes, it's been hard to choke it down since I'm drinking so darn much of it! The other thing that I have noticed in relation to the increase in hydration, is my skin looks GREAT! That is another huge perk. So, I'm gettin' my drink on! 

I have spent 60 minutes a day on cardiovascular fitness for the last 5 out of 7 days this week, and as a result, I have more energy & am not as tired as I often was. That is a great feeling! I have had a slight difference on the scale, but nothing sizeable really & I am trying to just let it be, focusing more on the surge of energy I am having, and being pleased with that result.

Lucy Liu, my Boarder Collie, has been getting to go for walks more often & will also benefit from my efforts. She still doesn’t know how to behave on a leash & I find that highly irritating, but I can’t blame her, can I? Caesar Milan: The Dog Whisperer has some good tips so I am working to incorporate my inner “pack leader” vibe & transfer it to Lucy. With any luck, we will be a happy couple walking & jogging together someday!

Now- Let’s get on with the weekend!!

In the beginning

As I wrote "So I think I can loose some poundage...", I unknowingly opened a very dark & depressing place in my heart, and every time I went back and reviewed my posts, I felt the repeated stings of a deep sadness that I felt were contributing to preventing my healing & success, and, I have since come to realize that I am not only up against obesity, but perhaps some clinical depression too. So, I have decided to begin again, a do-over so to speak, and really give 100% effort in my fight against the demons of obesity that have surrounded my soul. I feel that by conquering the fatness & underline issues, the depression will also be resolved. I am writing SHRINK, for me, as sort of a "gift' to myself.

I feel that in order to provide an accurate, clear cut account as to how I ended up such a portly & unhealthy woman, I’ve got to reach back into my past a smidge. I will only go as far back as 1994, when I was a vivacious & thin 17 year-old with a loving family & loving boyfriend of 3 years. Now, my parents were hard working people, but absent & involved more with the lives of their friends than of their only child. Naturally, this left me with a significant amount of time alone. Mom didn’t cook and kept relatively no food in the house, and so began my obsession. And when I say no food…I mean it. I remember one time only having a few slices of bread, and ketchup in the pantry, so that is what I ate. Another time, all she would buy were frozen beef & bean burritos for 2 months straight! So, as soon as I was able, I secured a job at a local pizza place, and began spending my checks on fast food & pizza (which remains my favorite meal of all time).  Lucky for me, my boyfriend’s mother was, and is, a fantastic cook. I would hang out at their place & she would always include me in the dinner plans, and offer me seconds. I loved it!

     My loving boyfriend, Rick, who is now my husband of 15 years, & I may have been a bit too loving with each other, because in March 1994, in the midst of our senior year of high school, we found out that we were expecting a baby. I thought it was great…I was supposed to eat more-right? That is essentially what I thought, & no one was around really to tell me any different. During that pregnancy, I stretched my little 17 year old body by a whopping 68 pounds. So stretched, that my abdomen remains covered side-to-side & top to bottom with 1” stretch marks. Once I gave birth, via cesarean section, my stomach sort of just “dropped” instead of shrinking back to its original shape. According to my physician, I lacked enough elasticity in my skin & would eventually need surgery to pull it up to the right spot again. Depressed about that, I did nothing…except find an eating partner & continue on the path of over-indulging.

     I want to say it was around 3 years later, at the age of 20 when I was diagnosed with cholecystitis or gall bladder disease, and in I went for another abdominal surgical procedure. (We are up to 2 if you are counting). Also, my doctor mentioned that my triglycerides (fat in the bloodstream) were elevated to 600, but that was all he said-he never made a big deal after that or mentioned it again. I just kept right on eating & as that manager of a cheesesteak resturant I would eat at work nearly everyday until another 2 years passed and I became pregnant with our second, and last, child. This time, however, I was careful about what I ate, and lost a bit of weight, gaining a total of only 22 pounds. That being said, on the day I gave birth, again by cesarian section, I weighed 199 pounds. Did I mention I am only 5’1”? To keep you on track, at this point I was just 23, and have now had 3 abdominal surgeries. Here is where things get dark.

     During the last C-section, my astute physician noticed a few odd looking “nodules” located on the peritoneal lining of my abdomen, near my bladder, uterus, and ovaries. In removing 2 of them, we were all shocked to learn just 3 weeks later, that I had Primary Peritoneal Cancer. A very rare & deadly cancer, the only way to treat was by a complete hysterectomy, exploratory abdominal surgery with removal of the omentum (a fatty protective lining rich in blood supply) removal of several lymph nodes, and followed by aggressive chemotherapy. This all took place just 6 weeks after the birth of my youngest daughter. It entailed another 2 surgical procedures. The exploratory part tended to reek the most havoc on my body, having to make a vertical incision in both my abdominal wall, muscles and messing around with my intestines and even going ahead and taking out my appendix because “they” might as well! 4 total abdominal surgeries-how does anyone have a decent stomach after that? These are facts that are non-variables in the equation of my life; the things I can not ever change. As for the variables?  I thought for sure that being a cancer patient would be just the thing I needed to knock me upside my head & get me encouraged to change my eating habits & get healthy. Let's just say I was wrong. Failed, effortless diet attempt after attempt,  16.5 years later I am still heavy. But all that is about to change. You see, I have realized something that I never have before. That fact being that It is perfectly okay to love & accept myself for who I was then, who I am now, & who I am yet to be. It is okay. I have determined that I must use the pain & sorrow from my past as fuel to create what I most desire.
I will SHRINK.